I really like those pants
Sunday July 1 2007 @ 1:03 am

(well, technically last night since its now after 1am… but you get the idea)

So… I’m in the dressing room of a local department store in a certain state of undress. These ‘rooms’ more like bathroom stalls with dividers that do not go all the way to the floor. I’m about halfway into a new pair of pants when some movement catches my eye. Some scragly arm reaches under one of the dividers and snatches my pants! My pants that contain my work Treo and a recently ATMified wallet. I let out a ‘HEY!’ as the stall door next to me flies open and someone goes bolting out. I guess the idea for this kind of robbery is that I’d be too embarrassed (em-bare-assed… get it? anyone? ok, moving right along) to run after them since I was undressed. Well frankly, I’m too old to worry about that crap like that anymore. I want my damn pants. And phone. And wallet.

So I charge out of the dressing rooms after this guy. In my socks and underwear. Right past my boy and oldest daughter who were outside the rooms waiting for me. I hear my daughter yell ‘Dad!’ as I fly by and answer with a ‘stay there!’ not letting my target out of my sight. In the next few seconds I learned a few things:

1- I run faster that a crackhead.
2- A single blow between the shoulder blades drops a crackhead like a rag doll.
3- I really like those pants (and my phone and wallet).

As I’m standing over this guy, in my socks and underwear, in the middle of a department store, holding my pants, store staff and a few other people starting to gather round, I look up and notice that my wife and youngest daughter have returned from their corner of the store. She’s staring at me with arms spread, palms up and asks:

WHAT are you DOING?’
‘He stole my pants!’
‘I…. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes!’
‘But he STOLE my pants!’
‘Get back in the dressing room!’ (and points to them like a teacher sending a kid to the principles office)
‘Good idea.’

A few more things learned. Police paperwork takes a long time. Police paperwork takes even longer when the police keep laughing. Oh, and cops really think its funny to keep telling you they’re going to have to take your pants as ‘evidence’.



8 Responses to 'I really like those pants'

  1. kira - July 1st, 2007 at 8:46 am

    Wow! Unbelievable. Good for you catching that guy. I would have done the same thing, (perhaps). Or maybe not! no one needs to see my flying cellulite!

  2. Rob Carlson - July 1st, 2007 at 11:13 am

    You’ve also proven that your Treo addiction is worse than crack.

  3. psychophil - July 1st, 2007 at 4:29 pm

    Rob: you’re crazy.. and I’ll text you why as soon as I can move my thumbs again.

  4. Scott - July 1st, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    The significant other and I are sitting by the computer laughing our asses off right now. You cannot make this stuff up. That being said, this type of thing needs to show up in a movie at some point.

  5. Kristine - July 1st, 2007 at 6:57 pm

    And please tell me your socks were black.

  6. Lori - July 2nd, 2007 at 7:53 am

    Oh.My.God. That was funnier then my friend getting beaned in the head with a flip flop this weekend……

  7. sheri - July 3rd, 2007 at 9:05 pm

    Too funny. You shoulda told them they could have the pants as evidence if you were still in them.

  8. Adam Rice - July 6th, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    It’s for exactly this reason that your mother told you to always wear clean underwear.


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