(well, technically last night since its now after 1am… but you get the idea)
So… I’m in the dressing room of a local department store in a certain state of undress. These ‘rooms’ more like bathroom stalls with dividers that do not go all the way to the floor. I’m about halfway into a new pair of pants when some movement catches my eye. Some scragly arm reaches under one of the dividers and snatches my pants! My pants that contain my work Treo and a recently ATMified wallet. I let out a ‘HEY!’ as the stall door next to me flies open and someone goes bolting out. I guess the idea for this kind of robbery is that I’d be too embarrassed (em-bare-assed… get it? anyone? ok, moving right along) to run after them since I was undressed. Well frankly, I’m too old to worry about that crap like that anymore. I want my damn pants. And phone. And wallet.
So I charge out of the dressing rooms after this guy. In my socks and underwear. Right past my boy and oldest daughter who were outside the rooms waiting for me. I hear my daughter yell ‘Dad!’ as I fly by and answer with a ‘stay there!’ not letting my target out of my sight. In the next few seconds I learned a few things:
1- I run faster that a crackhead.
2- A single blow between the shoulder blades drops a crackhead like a rag doll.
3- I really like those pants (and my phone and wallet).
As I’m standing over this guy, in my socks and underwear, in the middle of a department store, holding my pants, store staff and a few other people starting to gather round, I look up and notice that my wife and youngest daughter have returned from their corner of the store. She’s staring at me with arms spread, palms up and asks:
‘WHAT are you DOING?’
‘He stole my pants!’
‘I…. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes!’
‘But he STOLE my pants!’
‘Get back in the dressing room!’ (and points to them like a teacher sending a kid to the principles office)
A few more things learned. Police paperwork takes a long time. Police paperwork takes even longer when the police keep laughing. Oh, and cops really think its funny to keep telling you they’re going to have to take your pants as ‘evidence’.