Archive for August, 2006

The author of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead has written a new book due to be released september 12, 2006. The book is titled World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War and advance copies are getting high reviews. Don’t trust the reviews? Check out a preview of the book free right here:

Duckworth Publishers

It began with rumours from China about another pandemic. The reports were fragmentary and confused. A world still reeling from bird flu and limited nuclear exchanges had had enough of apocalypse. Most people just wanted to rebuild their lives. Then the cases started to multiply and what had looked like the stirrings of a criminal underclass, even the beginnings of a revolution, soon revealed itself to be much, much worse. Faced with a future of mindless, man-eating horror, humanity was forced to accept the logic of world government and face events that tested our sanity and our sense of reality. Maybe, Brooks argues, the zombies brought us back to life. Based on extensive interviews with survivors and key players in the ten-year fight-back against the horde, World War Z brings the very finest traditions of American journalism to bear on what is surely the most incredible story in the history of civilisation.

Porkbusters: Who is the Secret Holder?

Senators Tom Coburn and Barak Obama have proposed S.2590, legislation that would create a single website with access to information on nearly all recipients of federal funding. The bill cannot proceed, however, because one or more Senators placed a “secret hold” on it.

Who is the secret holder? We want to know, and we want your help finding out. Call your Senator, and ask them to go on the record denying that they placed the hold. Then e-mail Porkbusters and let us know what they said! Senators who issue denials will be removed from the suspect list — and those who do not, won’t!

My money is on Ted Stevens. Just take a look at the stories in the Ketchikan category on this site to see why.

The Red Cross Ambulance Incident
How the Media Legitimized an Anti-Israel Hoax and Changed the Course of a War

On the night of July 23, 2006, an Israeli aircraft intentionally fired missiles at and struck two Lebanese Red Cross ambulances performing rescue operations, causing huge explosions that injured everyone inside the vehicles. Or so says the global media, including Time magazine, the BBC, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and thousands of other outlets around the world. If true, the incident would have been an egregious and indefensible violation of the Geneva Convention, and would constitute a war crime committed by the state of Israel.

But there’s one problem: It never happened.

daughter: Dad, whats the Prime Meridian?
me: Uh….

me: Brain! Whats the Prime Meridian?
brain: Do we have any beer?
me: crap!

me: Give me a second, daddy needs to finish up his work real quick

google 'prime meridian'

me: Ok, the Prime Meridian? Well daughter, the The Prime Meridian is the meridian, or line of longitude, thats passes through Greenwich, England. It is the meridian at which longitude is defined to be 0 degrees. The prime meridian, and the opposite 180th meridian separates the eastern and western hemispheres.
daughter: Oh! Ok. Wow dad, you’re smart.
me: Yes I am.

Flickr has introduced their new photo Geotagging tool. I’ve played aroung with it briefly and have found it pretty responsive and very easy to use with a good interface. However, I can’t help but wonder how cluttered and slow the service might become once the flikerites start using it in mass.
(I only mapped about 5 or 6 photos while playing with the geotagging tool).

Well that didn’t take long. One day of school and I’ve already been hit with two letters. No, not those kinds of letter, the kind of letter where the school annouces yet more control they’re exerting over you and your kids an how there isn’t a damn thing you can do about because, say it with me, ‘its for the children‘.

Remember this entry back in May? Its where I bitched about how the schools now required parents to provide a ‘healthy alternative’ to whatever snacks you let your kid bring in for their classmates on their birthday. Well, in the true nature of Government, they’ve taken even more control. Now cupcakes (and all foods of ‘minimal nutritional value’) are banned completely. The school system goes as far as to coin the term Competitive Foods. They define those as ‘foods offered at school other than through the National School Lunch or School Breakfast Programs). i.e.: stuff you give your kid.

How long before you’re no longer allowed to pack your kid a lunch and they must eat the school food?
How long before your kid must eat breakfast at school?
How long before your kid must consume all their meals at the school?

Of course they do now provide an alternative, They’ll allow us to buy, from the school systems food services contractor of course (I’d like to get the minutes from that kickback meeting), ‘healthy party packages’. These packages have names like (and I’m not making this up):

Veggie-licious Party
Fruitabulous Party
Nutritious Friendly Snack Party

DId you catch that last one? Nutritious Friendly Snack Party. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine if you sent out invitations to all your kids friends inviting them to a ‘Nutritious Friendly Snack Party’? Even your kid would skip their own birthday party.

And now the peanut allergy people have swooped down upon one of my daughters classrooms.

< Bill Lumbergh >
Um yeah, hi…. look… our child has pretty severe reactions to peanuts. Yeah…. and um, strawberries… Yeah… and soy. So could you possibly modify the entire diet of your kids and um… yeah, yourselves if possible and remove those things from your snacks? And lunches? And, oh what the hell, your entire diet? Yeah, that’d be great . Thanks….
< /Bill Lumbergh >

Great. Don’t give us advanced notice or anything. Just wait util after we’ve been to Sam’s Club and have stocked up on a couple months worth of snack/lunch items. As for changing what we eat at home? How does ‘no’ sound?

Just like the ‘no cupcakes’ rule, how long do you think it’ll be before they ban all peanut products from the entire school system?

And for the grand finale: The first day a school and the fundraiser packets are already on their way home. And just what could those fundraisers POSSIBLY be?

Pizzas. Cookies. Chips. Candy. I’d venture a good 50% of the cookies and candies contained peanuts.

Damned hypocrites.

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m fucking bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
“Because you lost the bloody war!”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

“God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Well, not really good neighbors.

Thursday morning I come out to my car to find the driver door cracked ajar. I kick myself thinking I left it open last night when I pulled my daughters birthday present out of the car the previous night. I put my laptop and lunch in the back seat and thats when I notice that the center console and glove box are sitting open and their contents are spread all over the front of the car.

Best I can tell, I’m missing 4 or 5 CD’s. I don’t even know what they were since the CD player in Jeep has been broken for over two years and I’ve only listen to either XM Radio or my MP3 player. Why are the burglars strange (aside from being burglars in the first place)? XM Radio reciever, MP3 player, several hand and power tools and $350 worth of brand new computer equipment? Still sitting in the car (not that I’m complaining).

So whats with the ‘not so good’ neighbors? Well, being that I am a good neighbor (believe it or not), I made it a point to talk to the people around me and let them know crap was stolen from my car. I was going to suggest they make sure there cars are locked and to burn those porch lights all night long for a while.

So, out of five neighbors I talked to, FOUR had already been hit in the past two weeks. Well thanks a whole frikkin hell of a lot for letting everyone know. Nothing like enabling this crap to continue for a complete lack of spreading the word. The worse part? Turns out my parents, who live a few streets down, were hit as well and never said a thing.

And of course, a day after I get hit, this article hits the local paper:

Burglars hit vehicles

Great timing. Thanks for the notice everyone. Way to go.

Would somebody PLEASE make up their frikkin minds?!

Global warming boost to glaciers

Global warming could be causing some glaciers to grow, a new study claims.

Researchers at Newcastle University looked at temperature trends in the western Himalaya over the past century.

They found warmer winters and cooler summers, combined with more snow and rainfall, could be causing some mountain glaciers to increase in size.

Russian scientist predicts global cooling

A Russian scientist predicts a period of global cooling in coming decades, followed by a warmer interval.

Khabibullo Abdusamatov expects a repeat of the period known as the Little Ice Age. During the 16th century, the Baltic Sea froze so hard that hotels were built on the ice for people crossing the sea in coaches.

The Little Ice Age is believed to have contributed to the end of the Norse colony in Greenland, which was founded during an interval of much warmer weather.

Maybe this is the start of the Pendulum swinging back? You know how scientific reports seem to alternate every few years? Eggs are good; Eggs are bad. Coffeed is good; Coffee will kill you. And on and on. Most of the time I was in grade school (the bulk of which was in the seventies), everyone was trying to scare the hell out of us with Global Cooling and a new Ice Age. Stories about how gases were building up under the atmosphere keeping the Sun from warming the Earth and causing it to cool down. Now its the opposite. Guess its time to start scaring people with the next thing.

Another good example are the CFC’s that used to be used in Aerosol cans and A/C systems. All the scare about how we were burning a hole in the ozone layer by using them and they must be replaced. Now here come the reports that the replacements do far more damage than the CFCs…. and ozone hole is getting smaller.

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Eminence,” said the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” said the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protested the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

“Oh no, I’m gonna lose my license,” moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher. The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” said the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that; he’s really important,” said the cop.

Then the Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

Youth sought over 25,000 volt cable stunt

British Transport Police appealed for help today to trace a youth who was seen swinging from overhead power cables by train passengers.

“The overhead cables carry 25,000 volts and, although the overheads had been switched off to deal with another incident closer to the station, a residual current of at least 5,000 volts would have still been running through the cables.

Deadwood with Winnie the Pooh characters. Cracked magazine has uh… changed.. a bit since I was kid.

100 Acre Deadwood

“100 Acre Deadwood” was originally supposed to run in issue #1 of Cracked but The Powers That Be in the magazine industry intervened before we could get it to print. A comic strip composed exclusively of beloved children’s characters swearing, shooting smack and having sex with hookers was viewed by some to be a “bit too much” for our first issue, for some reason.

You’re looking at siamese twin cucumbers. The wife pulled this… thing out of our apparently radioactive garden (radioactivity would also help explain the spider invasion two years ago). I’ve never seen this kind of freaky shit before and I don’t know if its normal or not. All I know it this… I ain’t eating it.

Back in October of last year, I declared that Web 2.0 was Horsehit. To be specific: ‘This is all nothing more than marketing crap.’

Well it looks like the rest of the Internet has finally caught up with me.

The Web 2.0 Bullshit Generator

The web is getting hot and sweaty again, and the dollars are flying almost as fast as the bullshit. Time for an update of the great and glorious Web Economy Bullshit Generator for Web 2.0.

I continue to be amazed at the vitriol I see directed at Senator Lieberman.

From Democratic Vice Presidential candidate to this:

Can someone please explain to me what the deal is with the Daily Kos and Huffington Post Democrats and their use of Blackface and Homosexuality as insults? Remember the references to Chief Justice Roberts son being potentially gay because he danced during a press conference? Do I need to mention Dick Cheney’s daughter? And lets not forget the blackface smear against Michaele Steele.

And finally… why is it when Jim Jeffords switches from Republican to Independent mid-term, democrats hail him as a ‘man with a conscience’ yet when Joe Lieberman switches from Democrat to Independent he is accused of ‘ignoring the wishes of his constituents’ and is ridiculed as being homosexual and pictured in blackface?


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